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My wife and I have – or are– raising five children. We’re sort of finished with the first two (if, in fact, you are ever finished): our daughter is in her late 20’s and we’ve handed off duties with our 31 year-old son to his wife. They’ve been married for nine years, so he’s her responsibility now.
The other boys are still “in process.” They are 12, 8 and 5. Yes, you may laugh. My children really do range in age from 5 to 31. I’m the old guy at the kindergarten screening, waiting with parents whom I have known since they were in kindergarten themselves.
Les covers higher education including Southern Illinois University and the region’s community colleges as well as business news and religion. A three-degree graduate of SIU, he has written for The Southern since 2009, joining the newsroom staff in 2021. Contact him at les.odell@thesouthern.com or 618-351-5036.
Anyway, with five children – especially four boys – I have lots of experience in “parental” things and I am keeping a list of ways to return the favors to my kids, especially when they have their own homes.
Here’s what I’m going to do:
When I go to visit them, I’m going to kick off my shoes as soon as I get into the house, and I literally mean kick. I’ll strive for both distance and height while aiming for a different landing spot with each one, with plans to leave them there for the rest of my visit.
I won’t stop with my shoes, though. My socks will come off as well and I’ll put them behind furniture, on top of curtain rods, in corners, under the bed and generally, in places they don’t belong. My socks will always either be wadded up in a tight ball or turned completely inside-out.
Hopefully, we’ll go for a drive so I can populate every single cup holder and nook and cranny in their car with discarded straw wrappers, half-eaten French fries, melted crayons and snot-saturated tissues.
I’ll shove the floor mats completely under the seat, draw a stick figure person – in ink – on the headliner and leave a ream’s worth of papers scattered about. I’ll devise a plan to leave more socks in the car, too, especially the ones I wore at the gym or some sort of sports practice.
I will make sure to breathe on the windows and then draw on the fog with my finger. When they tell me to stop, I’ll lick my masterpiece off.
When we get back to their house, I’ll take my time getting out so I’ll be the last one in. I’ll leave the car door open and then the one into the house, too. I’ll go in, turning on every light switch I can find. I’ll smile all the way down the hall and while the meter spins, I’ll ask them for snacks…and some money.
Eventually, I’ll make my way to the bathroom. You really don’t want to know what I’ll do in there. Let’s just say I plan on getting even with four aimless little boys.
Now, don’t think raising my children hasn’t been a delight. I’ve loved practically every moment and my children have gave me so much. I will, though, pay them back for all of it with love, more or less.
Les O'Dell is a reporter and columnist for The Southern Illinoisan. He can be reached at les.odell@thesouthern.com or (618) 351-5036.
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Les covers higher education including Southern Illinois University and the region’s community colleges as well as business news and religion. A three-degree graduate of SIU, he has written for The Southern since 2009, joining the newsroom staff in 2021. Contact him at les.odell@thesouthern.com or 618-351-5036.
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